The Best Worst Job
My Year at Chia Pet
I was 27, broke and working at a cafe.
Living paycheck to paycheck, constantly afraid I’d lose the comma on my ATM balance slip. Still searching for what I was good at, ashamed I hadn’t found it yet.
Then I saw a vague Craigslist ad for an office worker gig. I applied & interviewed without knowing much about the company… and was instantly hired as a customer service rep, talking with Chia Pet and Clapper customers all day.
Yes, one company owns the trademark for both products. They manufacture, advertise and distribute every Chia Pet and Clapper. As well as many other “As Seen On TV” gems. The Chia Pet has been on the market for 40 years. The Clapper arrived in 1984.
You already know the ch-ch-ch-cheesy catchphrase:
An early Clapper commercial:
Here’s a water damaged photo that I borrowed from a filing cabinet full of outtakes. This is the stunningly misguided initial concept for the very first Clapper print ad. It’s giving me non-consensual vibes and was never published to my knowledge.
The job was wild. I was chewed out on the phone daily by grandmas from every state. Their Chia Pet was sold without seeds, or their Clapper didn’t clap on. I’d sooner poke a bear than sass a rage-filled Nana.
But most of our customers were endearing and charming kooks. Like this guy who sent a photo of his old laptop with Chia sprouts taking over the keyboard.
Another Chia kook emailed and asked for permission to sell Chia Pet Obedience School bumper stickers. He wanted to turn his family’s you-had-to-be-there inside joke into a money-printing bumper sticker EMPIRE.
An industrious Chia appreciator named Brandon emailed to tell us about his plan to cover his 1990 Nissan in burlap and Chia seeds. In exchange for free advertising, could we send him a Maxima-sized load of free seeds? He was convinced this would ignite a Chia Pet craze.
Hands down, we got the most calls for faulty Clappers. Clappers didn’t turn on because: customers had hot dogs for hands, had no rhythm or never plugged it in. I’d often demonstrate Clapping Best Practices over the phone. 👏👏
Customer service is where you witness humanity in the raw.
One morning, a woman called and she was LIVID. Her clapper was coming on in the middle of the night and it wouldn’t clap off. She was a little rude - but I still said “Ma’am, I’m so sorry” and she continued:
She has cancer. Sometimes she’s too weak to get out of bed to turn the light off. The Clapper keeps the light on ALL NIGHT and she’s at her wits end.
Now… My boss didn’t want me to indulge in phone chatter. Five minutes on the phone with a customer was four minutes too long. He wanted me in and out, like a NAVY Seal. But she kept talking and I kept listening.
She went to the hospital for stomach pain. Had a heart attack. Had a triple bypass. Had to get veins in her leg put into her chest. She wakes up in her own feces. She has a colostomy bag.
Her son lives upstairs and plays computer games all day and only comes out of his room to eat. The guy renting the spare room upstairs has “mental problems,” she said. He never leaves his room. Her husband works all the time. There’s no one that can look after her.
She might have to go in for another operation. The cancer might have metastasized in her lower intestines. If they take more out, she’ll be bedridden for months. She’s not sure how much more she can take.
She’s calming down now. She says she doesn’t have time or energy to return the Clapper. She’s not even calling to get a refund. Her husband makes $42 an hour, so it’s really NOT about the money. She just wants us to know how this damn Clapper is fucking things up.
She starts crying. She apologizes for being “an irate old lady.” I tell her not to worry. I will send a replacement today! (I sent her five) When we got off the phone a full HOUR later, I had to check in with myself:
Damn… Maybe I was born to helm the Clapper Help Hotline after all?
I stayed at Chia Pet for a little over a year.
I took self portraits documenting my mind-numbing daily routine that year.
Below: Office gossip by the copy machine with a co-worker.
Here’s a photo of me in the Chia Pet bathroom, plucking out my gray hairs.
Eating lunch and taking a break from Chia Pets and teaching people how to clap.
Another lunch break, this time I’d call my sister on the East Coast and try to talk with my 3 year old nephew. This was back when selfies were called self-portraits.
I’d take another break to get an iced coffee at Starbucks and consider flirting with the cute barista. One day, I got an extremely painful cold headache after gulping down a free drink he gave me. I put my head down and he held it. I remember I cried a single tear. After that, he gave me his number. We had lunch but it turned out he had a boyfriend.
I’d brush my teeth each night and do it all over again the next day.
Every Clapper and Chia Pet came with a product registration card.
They made you buy a stamp to send it back to us so I’m shocked people did this at all.
There was a space for comments at the bottom and this was the best one of all:
“Clapper actually works better when my wife does Macaw sound.” 🦜
People emailed in a lot of great ideas about how we can improve our products.
Email Subject: Your Clapper is a piece of shit.
Body: I just threw the piece of fucking shit against the wall. Fuck You!
I’d also get handwritten complaints in the mail. At first, when I wrote back, it was in soulless CorporateSpeak™. But I got bored pretty quickly.
I started writing in my own voice and having fun with it, making jokes when I could. I printed letters out on company letterhead and signed my name flamboyantly in pen. But I didn’t sign my real name.
The only thing worse than working for Chia Pet would be getting fired from Chia Pet. So I signed the letters ‘Roberta Evans, Customer Service.’ My real name, just flipped and feminized. 💅
The persona of Roberta Evans let me lean into the fun parts of the job, like engaging with the kooks who wrote in with raunchy ideas for future Chia Pets.
“Chia Armpit. Chia Back. Chia Nostril. Chia Tuckus. Chia Scrotum!”
Jesus could forgive you for your filthy Chia Pet ideas, Karen, but I can’t.
May the Lord Bless and Keep You,
Roberta Evans
“Are you ready?…A Chia Toupee. Oh! my gosh!! what a laugh it would be!!!!! Best, Mark.”
Dear Mark,
I really wasn’t ready. I needed another moment. Next time I’ll be more prepared for your fresh ideas.
Best,
Roberta Evans
Being Roberta made the dead-end job bearable.
But one morning my phone rang and I was away from my desk. The call went to the front and I heard our receptionist say, “Roberta? We don’t have a Roberta here…”
And so Eva Roberts was born. An alter ego or a typo? Both.
Dear Paul,
Here’s your replacement Clapper. Don’t forget to clap with both hands this time.
Warmfully,
Eva Roberts
One day, I got a four-paged note, handwritten in pencil, from Robert in Gary, Indiana. It wasn’t a complaint. It was a love letter. Robert wrote in to thank everyone who had anything to do with the Clapper. Because his Clapper saved his life!
He was home alone when the doorbell rang. A young man asked to borrow a ladder. Robert said no, but he pushed past him and ran inside. Robert said his Clapper in the study was set to the highest sensitivity setting. When the intruder walked into the study, the lamps jolted on.
It startled the intruder so much that he turned and bolted out of the house. Robert watched as he jumped into a waiting van and took off.
If it weren’t for the Clapper, he said he could have been burgled… or worse, murdered! He recently had prostate surgery and served in the Army. In conclusion, Robert wrote, the world is a dangerous place!
I wrote back on the company letterhead. I told him that everyone here who works on the Clapper was thrilled he was OK! I sent some Clappers to ensure his long life, and secretly prayed he’d frame the letter in the study where his life was saved.
This time, I signed my real name.